I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
