I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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