WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
