Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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