so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize