i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
