i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
