I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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