I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
