So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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