Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize