we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
