And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize