Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
