maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
