taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
After tacos, we're chasing women.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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