pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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