I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
