Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
