I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
