He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
