I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
