3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
