i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
