Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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