my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
