I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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