I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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