It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
