Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
