the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
