He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
