When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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