I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I cockslap morals
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
