dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
barbara walters just said penis...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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