and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Success! We fucked roommates!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
