obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
