Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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