Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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