Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
