I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
