It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
