I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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