ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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