They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
