We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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