I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
