oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
do nipples grow back?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
