Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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