reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
