i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize