if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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