I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
