I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
