the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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