Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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