my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
