why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
