So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
