I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
