shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
