Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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