I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
