i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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