Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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