I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
