when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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