I need to stop coming to work sober
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
