oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
